I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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