either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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