Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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