THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
