so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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