it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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