well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
