Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
