Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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