she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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