Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
