I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
