I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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