My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My vagina just recognized that song.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
