I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
