he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
