normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
