At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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