What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
