I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
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