she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
