I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize