she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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