Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
