I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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