I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
