Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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