I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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