idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
