you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
