she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
a search helicopter?!
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
