It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
