you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
