There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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