its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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