grandma shit on top of the toilet
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
