Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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