if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
