last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize