i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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