I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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