party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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