There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
