yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
