remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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