"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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