i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
