omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The best revenge is premature balding
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
