I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
