In America we eat man semen.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
