I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
40s are totally the cure
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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