On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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