Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Drunk is a universal language darling
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
