After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
