In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
