hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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