just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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