Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
