Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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