yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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