why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
