Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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