wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
