I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
