I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
