Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize